My husband of 43 years has cancer. He's stage 4. He's almost 2 years into it after diagnosis. He is declining. He's not afraid. He has peace. He gets to go. I have to stay. How do I stay? Staying is so much harder than dying. Life is harder than death. Yes, he feels the pain, the suffering of the cancer devouring is body. But I feel it too. I have pain watching him die. I have pain seeing him go. I have pain watching our children and grandchildren deal with him dying.
I built a shield around me. I cant allow my family and friends see me weak in this. They need me to be strong. But in doing so I feel I have no where to go. No shoulder to cry on. Even though many have offered, I need to be a stone. cold and hard. So I cry alone.
My head reminds me I am not alone. God is walking this with me. He has my back. He has my soul, and bottles my tears. I know he will make beauty out of these ashes, but my heart says its not fair! Why? Death of love ones happen everyday. Im no more special than the others who have lost. So I suck it up. I carry on. Keeping busy so not to think. The day will come too soon when I have to face it. I don't have to face it today.
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33