What I got good at is hiding things inward so deep I didn't even know they were affecting me. They were not the big things we deal, but the little accumulative things. The worry and feeling of no control. The frustrations of things going a different direction you hoped. Kids growing up, making lives for themselves. Me growing older, a shoulder break slowing me down, and with everyone moving on, my todo list grows. What I didn't realize is me worrying and fretting over all these things was making me sick.
It started with a patch on my back that burned like fire. There was no rash or sores or swelling. Was not long before I had several areas that burned. My back from shoulder blade to shoulder blade, front of both my thighs, my left arm and several tiny spots here and there that came and went. My skin felt like sandpaper over a severe burn every time something touched the area. Fear set in that something bad was happening. Besides the skin pain, I suffered from joint and bone pain, fatigue , heart palpitations, chest pressure and depression. Im not a cryer. As a matter of fact thats one reason I got sick, I never let things out. I kept things stuffed in. But smalls things bring me to tears now! I thought I was letting things go but I was wrong. It got to the point where I can not do more than a few minutes of work. Walking to the barn and back was exhausting. I feared my life was forever changed and I would not be able to run my farm. Then I read an article. It was about skin pain and anxiety. I was surprised. I would have never thought my current physical condition was caused by stress or anxiety. But as I read the article, it fit like a glove!! Everything they said was true of me. I laughter out loud and even cried some. What a relief!! I can fix that! All the other possibilities were going to be life changing, so this was good news for me.
I learned very quickly that this was not something I can fix by myself. Knowing what is wrong does not fix what is wrong. It takes work and time and lots of ups and downs but mostly it takes deepening my relationship with God. Renewing that personal relationship where I share everything with him. It's telling those close to me what is happening, and talking about things that need to change. It's about peeling that onion back on layer at a time, even if it makes you cry. One day at a time my health and my spirit will be restored.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51: 10-12